ever get that feeling where you feel like you just aint getting something? ever wonder if you'll ever get it? ever wonder if it'll be the one thing that holds you down?
well, i have all those feelings. monday i learned a new thing at work...federal COBRA. the process of enrollment is quite tricky. the room for errors are extremely large and it can cost you your job if done incorrectly. hence the reason why i'm having such a hard time getting it. i also think that it has a lot to do with training, rather a lack of training in my case. i was exposed to the concept for a mere 2 hours. i was forced to start working them the next day...63 assigned to me a day. maybe the training team has the notion that total immersion works. well, maybe it does, but why give us live folders? why not have dummy folders so there's a way to track our progress or lack there of.
i went from being a mass producer of folders (150-200) a day to a depressing 85. how shitty is that. i feel i have no confidence in what i am doing right now. everyone tells me it takes time to get it, to stick in there and to just push through. trust when i say that i am...BUT and yes there's always a but with me. but i already have a couple negative slashes on my side. i have attendance issues that are not entirely my fault. actually i was written up quite unfairly, but whatever, i'm trying to put that behind me and just trudge throw this mud for the next 5 months of probation. just maybe, just hopefully, i will still have a job at the end of my probation. i have been working over time for the past 2 weeks now...putting in well over 50 hours a week. dont get me wrong the pay will be nice...up until april, but seriously it really cuts into my personal time. it doesnt allow me sufficient rest. but i have to make up for what i've done wrong, in hopes that they'll see my hard work and dedication to coming in early and staying late and coming in on saturdays, for redemption - and just maybe this sacrifice will pay off and earn me a permanent seat with my job.
i'm not even sure i want to stay at this job, but experience is what i need, and its what i'm getting here. i can move to different areas should i chose to in 18 months, well, if i'm there in 18 months. there's that catch and scratches at the back of my head every day. i really wanted to do right with this new job...i really did. here i done screwed up my reputation with management. dan says i'm too hard on myself that i take my job personally. well, he's right. but to a point i need to, because its my character. its who i am. its what i do. its a way to better myself all around. he's tired of hearing it from me. this is where working out comes into play. its where i can let out that aggresion, the frustration, the self pity and soothe my doubts. its almost a type of therapy mentally and physically, not to mention that i want to lose 20 more pounds before the wedding. i've already lost 10...20 more to go...if not 20 then i'll settle for 10. i know it'll all come back when i get pregnant anyway, but the idea is to remain toned. ha we'll see how that goes...dan'll have to get used to taking walks around the block with me during the evenings aside from working out after work. maybe my kid will come out with a six pack and toned biceps...ha not likely...that would be kinda gross actually.
anyway, i better hop in the shower and clean up for bed...my head is longing for my pillow...another day gone...same routine tomorrow...work 10 hours, workout, come home, sleep and then all over again. maybe i wont be so frustrated tomorrow...i have to come to grips that eventually i'll get what it is that i am learning that they expect me to master for my job...i hope i can start fresh tomorrow...oh wait i cant, cause i have pended folders left over from today...there goes that dash of hope...damn...
good nite
yours truly
-ms frustrated.
