102 hours and 51 minutes is what i will be paid for this friday. thats a lot of hours. 22 hours of overtime. i dont know how i did it. its quite a small number compared to the hardcore people at my work that are putting in 11.5 hours a day and working 6 hours on saturday. they're checks are like little mini bonuses. i have tried for the past 2 weeks now to put in 2 hours of overtime a day, but it just never happens. i wake up on time, but i never leave on time. i think its because i dread a long day infront of the computer doing the same shit...ok not really...its really because i dont know what my fate is at this job. i dont know if i have landed a permanent position or not or if they're just keeping me for my probation months just to get their work done...being that they are 8000 cases behind. i've been putting out 600 cases a week...not even making a dent in it. worse thing is, the 8000 cases never goes down, we get more cases day in and day out and it just accumulates...so the work is never ending. it really is. this is the busy part of the season they say, i can only imagine what slow season is...gossip and potlucks...no wonder a lot of those long timers are a little on the heavy side. i have promised myself that i will not get like that. i am making a conscious effort to make it to the gym almost everyday. i know things will really come into place and get a little more routine when the wedding is done and over with....oh and when overtime is over in april...or may. it'll be nice to really get back into the swing of things and have it be normal for a little while before the stress piles back on in the latter part of the year.
my shoe effort with my girls has made a little progress. i have 4 shoes taken care of...2 more to go and i hope that it was taken care of today. i have yet to get an update, but i really hope it was taken care of. the money for the bells were finally sent out today. so now its just a matter of time before we get them. the invitation are well on their way to us, sometime this week or next week they should be here. lets see whats left...programs, cake topper, bridal party gifts, my veil, my shoes, and i think that might be it, but am not totally sure. the list is slowly shortening. ha isnt that funny. very small things to do, yet so much stress over them. why is that...lets give it a spin here...
things take time to come in is my main worry. i'm afraid that if i dont order it in time they wont come in on time and if they do then i fear that it is not defective. i worry about it because its still on that damn to-do list. ideally everything should have been done by now and its not, so thats a stress in itself it seems. help...what help? i dont have any help it seems. and the help i do have, usually talks back, rolls their eyes, tilt their heads as if its an inconvenience. NEWS FLASH: this whole wedding planning process has been and will probably be a HUGE INCONVENIENCE TO ME up until the day before the wedding if not the wedding day. so what i'm asking you to do is quite minor to all the things i have done. this has definately not been a group effort, as expected it to be. which really disappoints me and pisses me off to high hell. i have really learned a lot about the people i have in my life...and i know now not to rely on them so much...they have proven they incapabilities to me....my heart breaks...but what can i do? i just need to suck it up and look to a different day in hopes its better than the last.
in the end, i'll know that my hardwork has paid off somehow. i'll know that the stresses i have experienced and endured in the past 12+ months will diminish at the end of the wedding day. the ooh and aaahs i hear from those in the crowd will be directed to me in a personal way. but truly, the only thing that really does matter is that i show up, dan shows up, i say i do, dan says i do and we sign the certificate. its really all the wedding is about. everything else is just fluff...and its so sad to know that the fluff stressed me out.
i have this incredibly indescrible feeling i have within myself...that i've had for the past 2 weeks. and i can describe it any better than my sister-in-law leslie described it. i had apologized to her for sounding bitchy and rude when i'd called her asking about my niece's dress. she said, no feelings hurt or offense taken...i just sounded like a person planning a wedding and starting a career. and you know, by goly darn it, she is right. those two things have really taken over my life the past few weeks. seriously taken over my life. its quite sad actually.
today was a relaxing day...somewhat. i had worked from 6am-1030am then dealt with wedding party shoes. but afterwards dan i a brought the fury weiner to the beach and let him roam among the other fury 4 legged things out there. it was nice. we sat on the beach, people and dog watched. we sat in the sun, on the sandy beach and just relaxed. i really needed it. it felt damn good. the afternoon consisted of nothing but laying around, falling asleep, watching movies. now here i am posting this blog and taking care of minor things for the wedding. nothing stressful. tomorrow i hope to catch up on some much needed sleeping in.
monday is our last day of precana...THANK GOD!!! i cannot wait. i can have my monday workouts back....and my routine becomes a little more normal. I need normal in my life soon...i havent had normal since....i cant remember. the next big thing aside from the wedding that will stress me out is the move. yes, we are moving. this is the longest i have probably lived anywhere since 2001. quite sad. it felt good knowing i had a somewhat permanent home for a while. come april, we will move....hopefully to OB if not UTC. that transition will probably last a few years...i dont see us buying a house here anytime in the near future or ever. buying a house in san diego is impossible these days. our combined income only makes the picture look worse. the disappointing fact is that there are hundreds upon hundreds of people in the same shoes we are in. i have hope that maybe one day we'll get a house, and if not, then its ok. i'll be ok with not being a home owner. i realize things never work out how you plan them to, they never do. you just have to roll with the punches.
anyway, this blog is done. i'm gonna set my ass on the couch and get some relaxing in.
