aint so good....
yesterday was the first day of spring. today weather wise was a gorgeous day. otherwise it was just a day. if dan was here, he'd make it a point to commemorate this day as being one of our special days. it aint so special when the other person aint here. so its just a damn day. its a special day for him, seeing that he's out of town in vegas for his bachelor party. so god only knows what he's doing. the trust i have will just have to do for now. i'm happy for him that he's able to go out and party like he was 21 again, but it also pains me that i'm alone and he's there in sin city with the boys. you can never get what you want...boy do i know that first hand....sometimes its better to stop dreaming of the future - i should do that. dreams never come true anyway, that cliche is over rated, unles your rich as shit on a golden elephants ass....then you get what ever you want when you want. seeing as though i'm just an average jane, or rather a below average jane, i have to work for my shit. and work is what i have been doing a lot of.................
work was rough. the whole week has been rough. i'm not that thankful its friday for some reason. i dont have that sense of relief one would have in my shoes right about now. i cant pin point it. i guess i've just been stressed out about a lot of things right now. my job is really demanding. i just learned that i've been summoned to work on the policies and procedures committee....JOY....fucking wonderful. more testing to put me through to see if i can hang during my probation. well guess what mo- foes...i can hang. this bitch can hang! ya hear! bring it on dammit. i've always told myself that its up to me to make a place in this world for myself...and i'll do what i need to do to get it done. so bring it.....
the wedding is less than two months away...according to luthor.com its 57 days away. the closer it gets the more nervous i get. deep down i'm scared to get married .... again. the last one was a failure...and i dont want this one to fail. dan says its up to us, but are we both willing to trudge through the rough times and maintain loving each other through it all? i'm not sure. i cant answer on danny's behalf and i'm pretty sure i can ... at this point, i guess time will only tell. i'm scared that i wont be able to live up to dan's standards of being a good wife. i'm scared that we'll grow distant once we get married. i cant say its cold feet cause i'm not backing out yet or having thoughts of it. i'm just freaking scared and nervous. i just hope that this turns out to be what dan has waited for for the past 37 years. i'm scared of letting him down...thats just the bottom line.
i'm scared that i wont be a good mother to our kids - if we decide to have them ...rather if we can have them at all. i guess we'll see what happens after my biopsy on the 31st. that biopsy is another thing i'm worried about. what happens if cancer appears? what happens if i cant have kids? how will i deal with the bad news? could i survive it? i dont know. its a scary thought...and i'm scared shitless...
on a positive note....my trust in danny has become twofold. i cant say that i have trusted anyone else more than i trust daniel right now. i didnt even trust my ex husband this much. i dont put a lot of trust in people to begin with. i have been let down one too many times. people have back stabbed me...they've taken advantage of my kindnesss and compassion in caring for others. i've guarded myself with a cavalar shield, and its just recently that i lowered that shield to have full trust in daniel. this is big to me. and its important. i knew one day i would trust him full circle, but i wasnt sure when. i just hope i'm not making a mistake and in turn will get burned as i have every other time with friends and ex's. i have a glimmer of hope....
so tonite, i head over to moms house to care for my rug rats and dans weiner dawg. its gonna be a full bed, seeing that all of them like to sleep on the bed. its gonna be interesting. i just hope i can sleep. i didnt sleep much last nite. i'm not used to sleeping alone anymore. last nite i slept at most 2 hours. i'll be running on fumes this weekend. i have a busy weekend ahead of me.
tomorrow i plan on bathing all the dogs, getting my taxes done, rearranging my room at my moms house, detailing dans truck, and going to easter mass at 5pm. then sunday, i have to get back home, do the laundry and clean before dan gets home. i want him to come home to a clean house, cause thats what i like coming home to, though it doesnt always happen. but ya gotta deal with what you get. tonite, when i get there, i'm gonna clean house a little, settle in and get our wedding program done. i know i'll have all hours of the night to do it, so i'm not entirely worried. i already know that i wont be sleeping. i am refraining from making any contact with dan, since its his weekend with the guys...and girls arent supposed to be calling or in the picture except for that trampy ass stripper that will have her hands all over my dan...did jealousy just come out ? oh shit. if i'll be damned that i have a heart and have feelings of hurt. fuck me.
good friday can go to hell for all i care....fuck this shit.....fuck this whole weekend...fuck everyone...fuck the wedding stress...fuck the job stress....just go and shove all this fuckedness where the damn sun dont shine....
