easter again. the year is a quarter way behind us already. this easter, i spend alone...well technically with 3 dogs. the last time i spent easter alone was in 2005 when i was going through my divorce and didnt want to be around anyone. this time alone really gave me an opportunity to have flash backs from 2005 around this time of the year. i really need to busy myself more, but how can i when i've got three dogs to sit? but this time around, was unexpected. everyone left me to go off and be elsewhere having fun, which is fine to me. you just gotta deal with it, and no one ever said how to, so this is my way. boohoo to me. granted, dan is coming home today and jim, but the day by then might as well be over since its so late in the day already. by the time i get home with dan, i have to start laundry and cleaning house, so today will be a long day for me, one that i am not looking forward to.
so let me tell you all how my easter day started. it started with me awake until 3am. then at 430 ralph knocks on the door and announces that he's heading home. come 7am i find out dan's truck was hit on my driveway. seriously what the fuck! so of course, i have to call him. frantic and pissed off as i am, not mention that i'm hung over from last night, he thinks i'm pulling his leg. seriously, do you think i'm gonna call your ass and tell you that your truck has been hit as a joke. are you fucking kidding me? that pissed me off even more. so not only am i hung over, but i've been accused of pulling a shitty prank. c'mon give me a fucking break. as if the fucking weekend alone wasnt hard enough on me. then to accuse me...what balls you have. how am i supposed to be excited to see you when you accuse me of something so real? makes no sense to me, maybe you dont want me to be excited or happy. i dont know. maybe i'm just talking out of my ass cause i'm pissed off at the moment. i dont take well to such accusations. but then again, you dont take well to the shit i dish. so we're both at a loss on this, arent we? oh but dont worry, i've managed to get under your truck and zip tie that bitch in place until i can get it fixed for you. so dont you fret, it'll be taken care of. seeing as though this is my fault. life will eventually get better and things will get to being happy again...just not right now. its been a rough week and another one coming......can you deal?
you know lack of sleep wasnt no thing to me back in the day. but now it really fucks with my head and emotions. have you ever got to thinking and just kept thinking then started analyzing shit. i think some shrinks would psychoanalyze this as having a mild bout of depression accompanied by another bout of stress. well, thats what i've been doing this weekend, thinking and analyzing. and you know, it set me in a bad mood for this week and possibly the weeks to come, so beware... this bitch has a hot head. not to mention that i'll be ragging too. double fucking whamie for me. at this rate, aint nothing gonna bring my spirits up, so listen people, dont try. the worse part of all this, is that i have a busy week ahead of me too. i've got a lot going on at work this week, a few appointments to keep mid week, and figure out another time when i can take time off of work to go apply for a marriage license since march 31st the county clerks office is closed for cesar chavez day. great timing man! next week, i get to start off with a biopsy. i'm so excited! NOT! whamie after whamie....along with the daily grind.
come april, there will be a lot of things to do. i think all my weekends are devoted to this wedding, except for one. i hope that one weekend i can get away from everything and everyone and just relax without having to take care of any dogs, deal with any people, or deal with anything related to the wedding. i need to be alone on MY time. i really need to start taking mini getaways - whether it be with someone or alone. i cant keep grinding like this. its really taking a toll on me emotionally and with my character. i dont like the differences i've noticed in myself, but when you keep trudging away like i do, then you lose sight of who you are and what you're living for, then everything starts to be useless and nonsense to you. talk about an emotional roller coaster huh....there's just too much going, and too much to think about these days. i wonder when it'll ever slow down....
anyway....happy easter folks....enjoy the family and the sun....its what holidays are for!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Good Friday
aint so good....
yesterday was the first day of spring. today weather wise was a gorgeous day. otherwise it was just a day. if dan was here, he'd make it a point to commemorate this day as being one of our special days. it aint so special when the other person aint here. so its just a damn day. its a special day for him, seeing that he's out of town in vegas for his bachelor party. so god only knows what he's doing. the trust i have will just have to do for now. i'm happy for him that he's able to go out and party like he was 21 again, but it also pains me that i'm alone and he's there in sin city with the boys. you can never get what you want...boy do i know that first hand....sometimes its better to stop dreaming of the future - i should do that. dreams never come true anyway, that cliche is over rated, unles your rich as shit on a golden elephants ass....then you get what ever you want when you want. seeing as though i'm just an average jane, or rather a below average jane, i have to work for my shit. and work is what i have been doing a lot of.................
work was rough. the whole week has been rough. i'm not that thankful its friday for some reason. i dont have that sense of relief one would have in my shoes right about now. i cant pin point it. i guess i've just been stressed out about a lot of things right now. my job is really demanding. i just learned that i've been summoned to work on the policies and procedures committee....JOY....fucking wonderful. more testing to put me through to see if i can hang during my probation. well guess what mo- foes...i can hang. this bitch can hang! ya hear! bring it on dammit. i've always told myself that its up to me to make a place in this world for myself...and i'll do what i need to do to get it done. so bring it.....
the wedding is less than two months away...according to luthor.com its 57 days away. the closer it gets the more nervous i get. deep down i'm scared to get married .... again. the last one was a failure...and i dont want this one to fail. dan says its up to us, but are we both willing to trudge through the rough times and maintain loving each other through it all? i'm not sure. i cant answer on danny's behalf and i'm pretty sure i can ... at this point, i guess time will only tell. i'm scared that i wont be able to live up to dan's standards of being a good wife. i'm scared that we'll grow distant once we get married. i cant say its cold feet cause i'm not backing out yet or having thoughts of it. i'm just freaking scared and nervous. i just hope that this turns out to be what dan has waited for for the past 37 years. i'm scared of letting him down...thats just the bottom line.
i'm scared that i wont be a good mother to our kids - if we decide to have them ...rather if we can have them at all. i guess we'll see what happens after my biopsy on the 31st. that biopsy is another thing i'm worried about. what happens if cancer appears? what happens if i cant have kids? how will i deal with the bad news? could i survive it? i dont know. its a scary thought...and i'm scared shitless...
on a positive note....my trust in danny has become twofold. i cant say that i have trusted anyone else more than i trust daniel right now. i didnt even trust my ex husband this much. i dont put a lot of trust in people to begin with. i have been let down one too many times. people have back stabbed me...they've taken advantage of my kindnesss and compassion in caring for others. i've guarded myself with a cavalar shield, and its just recently that i lowered that shield to have full trust in daniel. this is big to me. and its important. i knew one day i would trust him full circle, but i wasnt sure when. i just hope i'm not making a mistake and in turn will get burned as i have every other time with friends and ex's. i have a glimmer of hope....
so tonite, i head over to moms house to care for my rug rats and dans weiner dawg. its gonna be a full bed, seeing that all of them like to sleep on the bed. its gonna be interesting. i just hope i can sleep. i didnt sleep much last nite. i'm not used to sleeping alone anymore. last nite i slept at most 2 hours. i'll be running on fumes this weekend. i have a busy weekend ahead of me.
tomorrow i plan on bathing all the dogs, getting my taxes done, rearranging my room at my moms house, detailing dans truck, and going to easter mass at 5pm. then sunday, i have to get back home, do the laundry and clean before dan gets home. i want him to come home to a clean house, cause thats what i like coming home to, though it doesnt always happen. but ya gotta deal with what you get. tonite, when i get there, i'm gonna clean house a little, settle in and get our wedding program done. i know i'll have all hours of the night to do it, so i'm not entirely worried. i already know that i wont be sleeping. i am refraining from making any contact with dan, since its his weekend with the guys...and girls arent supposed to be calling or in the picture except for that trampy ass stripper that will have her hands all over my dan...did jealousy just come out ? oh shit. if i'll be damned that i have a heart and have feelings of hurt. fuck me.
good friday can go to hell for all i care....fuck this shit.....fuck this whole weekend...fuck everyone...fuck the wedding stress...fuck the job stress....just go and shove all this fuckedness where the damn sun dont shine....
yesterday was the first day of spring. today weather wise was a gorgeous day. otherwise it was just a day. if dan was here, he'd make it a point to commemorate this day as being one of our special days. it aint so special when the other person aint here. so its just a damn day. its a special day for him, seeing that he's out of town in vegas for his bachelor party. so god only knows what he's doing. the trust i have will just have to do for now. i'm happy for him that he's able to go out and party like he was 21 again, but it also pains me that i'm alone and he's there in sin city with the boys. you can never get what you want...boy do i know that first hand....sometimes its better to stop dreaming of the future - i should do that. dreams never come true anyway, that cliche is over rated, unles your rich as shit on a golden elephants ass....then you get what ever you want when you want. seeing as though i'm just an average jane, or rather a below average jane, i have to work for my shit. and work is what i have been doing a lot of.................
work was rough. the whole week has been rough. i'm not that thankful its friday for some reason. i dont have that sense of relief one would have in my shoes right about now. i cant pin point it. i guess i've just been stressed out about a lot of things right now. my job is really demanding. i just learned that i've been summoned to work on the policies and procedures committee....JOY....fucking wonderful. more testing to put me through to see if i can hang during my probation. well guess what mo- foes...i can hang. this bitch can hang! ya hear! bring it on dammit. i've always told myself that its up to me to make a place in this world for myself...and i'll do what i need to do to get it done. so bring it.....
the wedding is less than two months away...according to luthor.com its 57 days away. the closer it gets the more nervous i get. deep down i'm scared to get married .... again. the last one was a failure...and i dont want this one to fail. dan says its up to us, but are we both willing to trudge through the rough times and maintain loving each other through it all? i'm not sure. i cant answer on danny's behalf and i'm pretty sure i can ... at this point, i guess time will only tell. i'm scared that i wont be able to live up to dan's standards of being a good wife. i'm scared that we'll grow distant once we get married. i cant say its cold feet cause i'm not backing out yet or having thoughts of it. i'm just freaking scared and nervous. i just hope that this turns out to be what dan has waited for for the past 37 years. i'm scared of letting him down...thats just the bottom line.
i'm scared that i wont be a good mother to our kids - if we decide to have them ...rather if we can have them at all. i guess we'll see what happens after my biopsy on the 31st. that biopsy is another thing i'm worried about. what happens if cancer appears? what happens if i cant have kids? how will i deal with the bad news? could i survive it? i dont know. its a scary thought...and i'm scared shitless...
on a positive note....my trust in danny has become twofold. i cant say that i have trusted anyone else more than i trust daniel right now. i didnt even trust my ex husband this much. i dont put a lot of trust in people to begin with. i have been let down one too many times. people have back stabbed me...they've taken advantage of my kindnesss and compassion in caring for others. i've guarded myself with a cavalar shield, and its just recently that i lowered that shield to have full trust in daniel. this is big to me. and its important. i knew one day i would trust him full circle, but i wasnt sure when. i just hope i'm not making a mistake and in turn will get burned as i have every other time with friends and ex's. i have a glimmer of hope....
so tonite, i head over to moms house to care for my rug rats and dans weiner dawg. its gonna be a full bed, seeing that all of them like to sleep on the bed. its gonna be interesting. i just hope i can sleep. i didnt sleep much last nite. i'm not used to sleeping alone anymore. last nite i slept at most 2 hours. i'll be running on fumes this weekend. i have a busy weekend ahead of me.
tomorrow i plan on bathing all the dogs, getting my taxes done, rearranging my room at my moms house, detailing dans truck, and going to easter mass at 5pm. then sunday, i have to get back home, do the laundry and clean before dan gets home. i want him to come home to a clean house, cause thats what i like coming home to, though it doesnt always happen. but ya gotta deal with what you get. tonite, when i get there, i'm gonna clean house a little, settle in and get our wedding program done. i know i'll have all hours of the night to do it, so i'm not entirely worried. i already know that i wont be sleeping. i am refraining from making any contact with dan, since its his weekend with the guys...and girls arent supposed to be calling or in the picture except for that trampy ass stripper that will have her hands all over my dan...did jealousy just come out ? oh shit. if i'll be damned that i have a heart and have feelings of hurt. fuck me.
good friday can go to hell for all i care....fuck this shit.....fuck this whole weekend...fuck everyone...fuck the wedding stress...fuck the job stress....just go and shove all this fuckedness where the damn sun dont shine....
Monday, March 3, 2008
March madness...
march has arrived at full speed...the days themselves are quickly approaching and ending even quicker than they came. the march madness i refer to in this here blog has no relevance to sports in any way, shape or form. march madness refers solely to the madness i am going through for this wedding and in this particular month of march. i am less than three months away from getting married. three months...
this past saturday i had the opportunity to try my dress on in front of my mom. it was her first time to see my gown and i swear she had a tear in her eye. she talked to the alterations people and wanted to make sure that the gown was going to be altered perfectly for me. she even chose the perfect veil that would match the dress and my body form. i'm glad she came cause i dont have any lick of fashion when it comes to dresses or veils...or girl fashion for that matter. i am strictly a jeans and tshirt type of gal...always have been and probably always will be.
trying on that dress made the wedding feel even more real. up to this point, the wedding was something i have been planning for the past year now and hasnt had a lot umph to my life or even emotions. it was just a thing i needed to plan and do. now as this month marches on, and april quickly approaches things are starting to come into perspective. the feelings and emotions are surfacing and the reality of it becoming more evident. this is a life altering experience. i've done it once and failed at it, and here i am taking another jab at it in hopes i stay successful at it. but having failed once, my emotions are somewhat tarnished. i want this marriage to be everything my previous marriage wasnt. i want the day to be perfect, the events to run smoothly and the guests to share in our happiness and joy.
hence the reason why i am working so hard at making it perfect. though i know, as well as everyone else, that the day will probably be far from perfect...or rather the perfect in which i envision within my head. and i'm ok with that. i'm content knowing that i am really taking my vows in front of God, but not only God, but in front of my family and friends. we will have hundreds of witnesses there to see me profess my love for daniel and take vows i promise not to break. but the best part of the day will be the actual vows we say to one another. everything leading to that point will have been worth it, even if i stumble and fall walking towards the altar. its what danny is looking forward to the most, its what means the most in this wedding, and i have taken the same viewpoint as he. because in reality it is that phrase that we say to one another that really binds us in marriage. its what makes us part of being a sacrament, a sacrament of marriage honored by the institution of church. it cant get better than that, i suppose.
well, tis all for now...too much rambling going through my head...soon i'll be reminiscing again about my past and i really dont want to. i've left that behind me and have already taken many steps forward with no intentions of double stepping back. we'll leave that perhaps for another day....or not.
good nite you nosy people....
this past saturday i had the opportunity to try my dress on in front of my mom. it was her first time to see my gown and i swear she had a tear in her eye. she talked to the alterations people and wanted to make sure that the gown was going to be altered perfectly for me. she even chose the perfect veil that would match the dress and my body form. i'm glad she came cause i dont have any lick of fashion when it comes to dresses or veils...or girl fashion for that matter. i am strictly a jeans and tshirt type of gal...always have been and probably always will be.
trying on that dress made the wedding feel even more real. up to this point, the wedding was something i have been planning for the past year now and hasnt had a lot umph to my life or even emotions. it was just a thing i needed to plan and do. now as this month marches on, and april quickly approaches things are starting to come into perspective. the feelings and emotions are surfacing and the reality of it becoming more evident. this is a life altering experience. i've done it once and failed at it, and here i am taking another jab at it in hopes i stay successful at it. but having failed once, my emotions are somewhat tarnished. i want this marriage to be everything my previous marriage wasnt. i want the day to be perfect, the events to run smoothly and the guests to share in our happiness and joy.
hence the reason why i am working so hard at making it perfect. though i know, as well as everyone else, that the day will probably be far from perfect...or rather the perfect in which i envision within my head. and i'm ok with that. i'm content knowing that i am really taking my vows in front of God, but not only God, but in front of my family and friends. we will have hundreds of witnesses there to see me profess my love for daniel and take vows i promise not to break. but the best part of the day will be the actual vows we say to one another. everything leading to that point will have been worth it, even if i stumble and fall walking towards the altar. its what danny is looking forward to the most, its what means the most in this wedding, and i have taken the same viewpoint as he. because in reality it is that phrase that we say to one another that really binds us in marriage. its what makes us part of being a sacrament, a sacrament of marriage honored by the institution of church. it cant get better than that, i suppose.
well, tis all for now...too much rambling going through my head...soon i'll be reminiscing again about my past and i really dont want to. i've left that behind me and have already taken many steps forward with no intentions of double stepping back. we'll leave that perhaps for another day....or not.
good nite you nosy people....
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