we're finally moved in...for the most part at least. there are a few things here and there still at the old place that we need to round up and get out. but the main stuff and necessities are here. its definitely different driving home this way...its a lot farther that what i used to drive the past 2 years, thats for sure. but its good to know that i'm heading towards the shore when i'm going home. something about heading out this way that calms my senses...almost puts me at ease. i hope that one day, ease will come my way.
a lot happened this weekend. a lot of things that i purposely am neglecting to mention because i'm very disappointed in myself. the worse part is, i had a feeling something bad was going to happen. unfortunately them gut feelings were true. the day spiraled downward extremely fast....so fast i couldnt catch myself and just let loose. i spoke a lot of what was on my mind to several people. i almost spoke of many hurtful things that i wish i could take back but cannot. i learned a lot about several people in my life and where i stand with them and them with me. there's a disgust i have that i cannot even begin to describe...of which i will not. but i guarantee that my life is going to change because of it. the dynamic of bonds is definitely something worth revisiting in a later post, perhaps after the fact of ... what ever it is that's going to happen.
my results for my biopsy are still not discovered as of late. i think i know what my fate is with it, i just need to hear it from the doctor. how i'll deal with it, i'm not sure, but what ever decision i make will be both mine and of danny's. ... seeing as though we'll be one unit after the 17th of next month. so he has every say in what i do from here on out, he's actually had a lot of say in what i do for the past year and a half now. its the way life goes. sometimes, its easier to worry about other people and take care of them than yourself. its a lot easier to me. its what i'm good at.
my first fitting for my gown is this thursday. i'm excited but then i'm not. i havent lost the weight i've wanted to, but i've come to terms. ok i need to come to terms. this is how i look and its the bottom line. i can go balls out from now until next month, but i probably wont...unless something unforeseen happens. i just really need to learn to have faith in life. something i have not had in a while. i just need to be optimistic or be happy or something. but my pessimism is taking a toll on danny, and i'm sure if it continues i'll lose him too. here's to getting back on the right track. he asks me to have better days, and i try, i guess not hard enough. so here's to trying harder for better days.....
may the forces be with me.....
