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Today we celebrated mom's 83rd birthday. It was nice to see the grandkids. It was the first time in a year since Jackie visited mom. 

Today actually started off quite horribly. Mom didn't want to wake up and get the day started. She turned it into the 

usual complaints that she doesn't want to live because she has nothing to live for anymore. She 

said she wants us to put her in a home so she could die. I take great offense to this because 

I have been sacrificing time with my family since April 2021. I've ppractically moved in with her. Ralph hasn't been consistent with coming out every month so it's been even harder. At the end of the 

day I've come to the end of my rope and it will be a matter of time before I lose my shit. 

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So last Saturday we went to the fall carnival. The kids has a great time with their friends. Hannah hung out with her gal pals and Tyler got to see his buddy Gavin who moved to Ramona.  We also won an LOL basket from the raffle.  

This week was another crazy week.  Hannah was so tired on Friday that she passed out while we were out getting dinner.  

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This was another busy week for our Mighty Young family. Hannah had fall pictures on Thursday. I got a full panel of blood work to hopefully figure out whats going ok with my eczema.  I asked Jim to come down so I can fix the chimney cap cause it was seriously falling a Parr.  I even put up 2 more Halloween inflatables to complete our decorating.  We got a weenie dog and a ghost.  Lastly we attended the fall carnival at Hannah's school.  First one in since covid hit us.  It was a very busy week but glad I'm able to hang out with the family where it counts the most for them.  End of year festivities are in full swing.  

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It was a little bit of a busy week.  Tyler had his fall pictures taken on Thursday.  He wore one of Lolo's old shirts we found at the house. Surprisingly it fit him...barely.  It's hard to imagine that Tyler fits my dad's clothes...he's only 12. He's going to be a big boy like his dad.

Up next was a busy Saturday.  Tyler spent the day and night at his buddy Neil's house. They had a pumpkin carving contest. He carved the batman logo.  This is the first time Tyler has spent hanging with his friends since before covid. We are a bit nervous because we're still afraid he may catch it but we are fortunate that he's been vaccinated and boosted.  

While Tyler spent the day with his friends, we took advantage of having sushi for dinner.  We saw Mike at Thai Thai restaurant formerly known as Oishi restaurant. We are glad he is back. He's one of the best sushi chefs we've had.  The prices were pretty steep but it was totally worth it.  Hannah even tasted some of the sushi rolls we ordered. 

I sure miss being able to be home to spend time with the family though. 

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Today I checked off house fix it item #589.  Built a new gate.  It's a bit cockeyed but it works and isn't red and falling apart. This gate took me 6 hours to build.  I bruised the tip of my left thumb and have a gnarly blood blister on the tip of the thumb pad. Dan did good with helping with measurements when I wanted to throw everything against the wall. He's always great at bring me down when I'm pissed the f off.  We need to finesse the gate so it doesn't look cockeyed. That will be for another day when I have another 24 hours of being home.  

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This week has been particularly challenging with mom.  She's not as responsive as I'd like her to be and it's making me think she might have a UTI.  We both are getting a covid booster on Thursday.

The picture from this week is of Tyler's perler beads that he made me.  The first one he made for me is the Starry Night and the second is of the famous Japanese wave.  When I work or am at moms and miss him I glance at these and it puts me at ease.  

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This week was a busy week at work. It's getting more difficult to balance work and life in the afternoons.  I want so much to spend time with the kids after I cook dinner that I am very quick to lose my patience when I have a late meeting.  Late being considered any meeting after 330p. I have mother's guilt for not being able to home. Its been like this for 18 months now. Im feeling the void and so are the kids.  Dan is also feeling the void. He didn't sign up for this when we married each other. The guilt I feel for it is intense. So intense that it's hard to cope with sometimes.  I also have employee guilt for not putting in a full day of work.  I'm short changing everything and it's really taking a toll on me.  

My kids spend Saturday night with me so we can see each other.  It's almost as if we have a separated household.  There are times I wonder if that would be better so Dan can have a wife at home who can make him happy and give him the attention he needs. Same for the kids. I know the little attention I give them is not enough.