36 of 52 of 2021

Monday:  the start of the week and it's been a very rough last few days.  Mom was diagnosed with a UTI last week and was prescribed Macrobid.  She tolerated this drug in the past but this time is a completely different story. She gets dizzy spells soon after taking the medicine. Her appetite has practically gone away, her balance is awful, her demeanor is very negative and gets taxed for breath with low to mild exertion. I finally called in and was advised not to take the last dose today. They will try ceflex tomorrow to treat the UTI.  All was well before she started this antibiotic and now I feel we went back about 10 steps after making great progress since she was admitted back in April. 

The last few days have been extremely awful for me especially while she's been ill.  I miss my kids, my husband, my dog and my home.  5 hours home each day isn't enough and I really don't know how much more of this I can sustain. It's really taking a toll on my mental health.  It's taken a toll on my family. The sadness I see in my kid's eyes hurts deeply. I know they don't underhand why I'm doing what I'm doing.  Hell, sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I feel heavily burdened. It's disappointing to say that I've contemplated suicide so I can rest forever. I've even gone as far as rationalizing that my kids and husband won't miss me much because they hardly see me as it is. I can honestly say in this moment that I really hate my situation and what life has become for me and my family.  I'm missing out on so much at home. I miss seeing them wake on the morning. I miss hearing them say goodnight to me. I miss the sounds they make when they sleep.  I just miss them. It's really quite amazing that Dan has stuck w me this long. How long will he stick with me is a mystery. I can't be upset if he decides to go. This isn't what he signed up for when we married.  Our life has been put hold since 2012 when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I've been the one caring for my parents.  And I HATE all my brothers for not helping. I have so much resentment that I don't want anything to do with them when mom dies.  

Sunday:  well Ralph is in town and yet I'm still here at moms for the majority of the day. It appears that I'm still needed even for the basic things. It really makes me question whether I will ever maintain a bond with my brothers after moms dies.  Luckily I have Hannah and Sophie with me to spend the day.   Later today I'll take Hannah to the Asian market so she buy whatever she wants.  Then tomorrow I won't need to come here hopefully.  

35 of 52 of 2021

This week was a pretty week. We started Monday off with lab work and urine culture. All seemed the result of the day and into the next.  Wednesday I noticed she was a little off. She didn't each much breakfast and seemed off.  Thursday morning we got a call from the nurse saying mom had a UTI.  They prescribed Macrobid and it's taken a toll on her.  She did PT on Thursday and was totally off after that.  She couldn't really walk and ended up staying in bed.  Later in the afternoon she was so weak she couldn't get herself up on the bed and ended up slipping down to the floor.  Thankfully she didn't hurt herself.  Saturday morning she seemed a lil weak still. She was able to get up and eat dinner in the living room.  

I hope she will be more back to herself tomorrow. 

34 of 52 of 2021

The kids started 6th and 4thr grade this week on Wednesday.  They were both excited and sad after same time. Tyler got the same teacher as last year which sucks. At least he knows what to expect from her.  Hannah got a new teacher that seems to be fun.  

I'm hoping for a successful school year for both of them.  It's the first year back with full days. Hopefully they will be able to get vaccinated by the end of the year.  

33 of 52 of 2021

This was the last full week of summer for the kids.  They start 4th and 6th grade on Wednesday the 18th.  For our last hoorah of the summer I took them to the San Diego Air and Space Museum.   13 years ago, Dan and I had our wedding reception in the rotunda of the museum.  This was one of the last affordable venues that could fit the 300+ wedding guests that celebrated our love that day. 

The kids both rode the simulator rides and did well until the very last simulation.  They both got motion sickness so the day turned short.  We got McDonald's and Handel's ice cream treats for lunch. 

They both enjoyed the summer with the many adventures we took.  I think we made the best of the summer considering our circumstances. 

32 of 52 of 2021

This week was a fun week for us.  I took the kids to Birch Aquarium on Thursday and Barnes and Nobles.  I think they had the most fun at the bookstore, ha.  

On Friday we went back to Moonlight Beach. This is our favorite beach so far.  It's pretty laid back and we love it.  To round out the trip we ate at Mr. Motos which was super close to the beach.  It worked out perfectly. 

On Saturday we went to Surfrider Pizza in downtown La Mesa.  Another of Tyler's favorite places.  Dan also had the birds and bees talk with them.  Thulis will be the first of many talks with them.  

31 of 52 of 2021

2 weeks later and I'm back home for 2 weeks before Ralph leaves.  

What better way to celebrate being home for the next 2 weeks than pizza and beer at Tyler's favorite place...Long Island Mike's.  

The last 2 weeks have been crazy. The kids spent time with me at moms overnight.  It makes my heart both happy and sad at the same time.  Happy because I get to spend time with them and they're able to spend time with their lola and sad because that means they aren't spending time with their dad nor in their own home.  All this will change when they're back in school cause there won't be any overnights during the week because they have school. So the only overnights will be Friday and Saturday and holidays. It'll be a tough time again for me and them too. 

The plan the next 2 weeks is to spend as much time with them as I can before they head back to school.  

30 of 52 of 2021

This past week Tyler has been sporadically spending the night with me and Hannah at Lola's house.  This allows us time together while also being able to take care of mom.  This arrangement hasn't been easy on them at all. The kids are trying to make me happy and there are more times than not that I feel it is at the expense of their own happiness. 

The highlight of this week was spending time at the bay with the family.  The kids rode jet skis for the first time with their cousins Jessica and Cody.  The both loved it.  

We are trying to make the best of the summer and our time together.