Monday: the start of the week and it's been a very rough last few days. Mom was diagnosed with a UTI last week and was prescribed Macrobid. She tolerated this drug in the past but this time is a completely different story. She gets dizzy spells soon after taking the medicine. Her appetite has practically gone away, her balance is awful, her demeanor is very negative and gets taxed for breath with low to mild exertion. I finally called in and was advised not to take the last dose today. They will try ceflex tomorrow to treat the UTI. All was well before she started this antibiotic and now I feel we went back about 10 steps after making great progress since she was admitted back in April.
The last few days have been extremely awful for me especially while she's been ill. I miss my kids, my husband, my dog and my home. 5 hours home each day isn't enough and I really don't know how much more of this I can sustain. It's really taking a toll on my mental health. It's taken a toll on my family. The sadness I see in my kid's eyes hurts deeply. I know they don't underhand why I'm doing what I'm doing. Hell, sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I feel heavily burdened. It's disappointing to say that I've contemplated suicide so I can rest forever. I've even gone as far as rationalizing that my kids and husband won't miss me much because they hardly see me as it is. I can honestly say in this moment that I really hate my situation and what life has become for me and my family. I'm missing out on so much at home. I miss seeing them wake on the morning. I miss hearing them say goodnight to me. I miss the sounds they make when they sleep. I just miss them. It's really quite amazing that Dan has stuck w me this long. How long will he stick with me is a mystery. I can't be upset if he decides to go. This isn't what he signed up for when we married. Our life has been put hold since 2012 when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I've been the one caring for my parents. And I HATE all my brothers for not helping. I have so much resentment that I don't want anything to do with them when mom dies.
Sunday: well Ralph is in town and yet I'm still here at moms for the majority of the day. It appears that I'm still needed even for the basic things. It really makes me question whether I will ever maintain a bond with my brothers after moms dies. Luckily I have Hannah and Sophie with me to spend the day. Later today I'll take Hannah to the Asian market so she buy whatever she wants. Then tomorrow I won't need to come here hopefully.
