28 of 52 of 2021

With Ralph in town, Dan and I decided to take some time off so we can explore our city with the kids. This gives us time away from the hustle and bustle of our day to day life and work. 

Our first adventure was the San Diego Automotive Museum. Hannah has a love for older and classic cars.  They both wanted to see the Ford Model T.  

Hannah was totally in her element whereas Tyler went thru the motions to see the cars and motorcycles. 

Hannah told me her favorite car is the next new one cause it will always be better than the last one.  

Hannah has a lot of her Lolo in her with her love for cars and seeing what the next cool one will be.  

Our next adventures in store are Moonlight Beach, scooter thru Pacific Beach and eat at Mr. Motos and the baked bear, then we'll end our adventure with a trip up to Julian.  

27 of 52 of 2021

Over the last several weeks I have been transforming my childhood bedroom into a more modern and comfortable space for me and Hannah to stay in while we are on Lola watch. Im hoping to redo the flooring and eventually paint the walls but that certainly isn't my priority.  

I've been able to bring Sophie with us while I work there for about 5 hours before we head home and spend time with the boys. 

26 of 52 of 2021

This little girl has been my sidekick with just about everything.  She goes with me every where I go; from running errands to staying the night at Lola's house.  The picture is of her sleeping in.  

Our life has been anything but normal since mom was diagnosed with dementia.  I've been staying the night since the end of April. I go home for about 2 to 4 hours a day to spend time with my family then head back to moms to stay the night and do it all over again. 

Ralph has been coming to stay with mom for about 2 weeks at a time which allows me to recharge at home with my family and catch up with them. This I'm grateful for. 

How am I doing? Well I'm barely holding it together.  I'm exhausted. I'm angry.  I'm resentful.  I'm everything in between the extremes. I'm slowly losing control of everything I feel like. I've gained all the weight I worked so hard to lose the last 2 years because I don't have the proper equipment to exercise at moms nor can I afford to buy the equipment.  I've been trying to plan out what changes I need to make so I can get back on track with my health and fitness goals because that's about all i have control over in my life right now and it will help with my mental health. 

25 of 52 of 2021

This is the 3rd Father's Day without my dad. Each year gets a little less painful but it's still never the same. 

Dan isn't a hallmark holiday type of guy so we hardly ever celebrate Father's Day. I was able to come home at a decent time to have dinner with the family.  

24 of 52 of 2021

This week started off pretty awesome but ended on a low.  Mom's back was hurting on Thursday and impacted her ability to communicate and self care.   She essentially shut down. She wasn't able to speak, eat, drink nor walk.   On Thursday night her breathing was getting worse so I decided to call the on call nurse and they advised that we bring her to the ER.  When she breathes there is an audible whistle and her ability to take in a breath is slightly labored. 

We arrived at the ER shortly after 9am and wasn't discharged until a little after 5pm.   The doctors ran a lot of tests and were not able to find anything wrong with her heart, lungs, urine nor lab results so were sent home with a recommendation to request a sleep study for sleep apnea.   

2 ER visits about 5 weeks apart is not a good thing.  

23 of 52 of 2021

Hannah turned 9 this week on May 31st at 0921am. She is full of character. She loves to dance and sing and is the most caring and feisty little girl I know. 

She's going to do great things!  I know it!

22 of 52 of 2021

This week I said aloud to the family therapist from the Southern California Resource Center that I've moved in with my mom. This has been my reality since mom was discharged from the hospital on April 27th.  

I spend 20 hours with my mom. I spend 4 hours (give or take an hour) at my own home. Dinners have been extremely important for me because that's the time I get to spend with my kids, husband and dog.  It's during these 4 hours that I can connect with my family.  I find myself upset and angry when things cut into this time. 

I have a lot of guilt because my kids don't have me around as much as I should be. I'm not there when they wake up or when they come home from school. I have guilt because my husband has picked up extra duties around the house and with caring for the kids. He and I rarely have quality time. The 4 hours I'm home I spend w the kids mostly. It's really not fair to him. This isn't what he envisioned his marriage to be. 

I have guilt because if I don't care for my mom then she'll be lonely and confused.  It's this time she needs me the most. More than my kids or husband need me. And I have guilt for wanting and needing to care for her. 

I know there will be a time that comes where she won't even remember me.  It's important I take advantage of these tender times because there won't be any other time than now.  I want to learn everything I can about her and let her know that I'm here for her. 

Today we finally visited my dad. It's been several months since we visited him.