39 of 52 of 2021

Today is National Daughters Day.  It's a no brainer for me to acknowledge and celebrate my daughter, Hannah.  She's an awesome kid with a ton of personality and a very caring heart.  When I first found out that the baby growing in my tummy would be a girl, I was bummed yet happy at the same time. I knew that having a daughter would be extremely challenging because I know the hell I put my parents through and quite honestly I didn't want that. So I told myself that I would parent her to be a happy, confident and caring person.

Since I started staying the night at mom's back in April, Hannah has stayed the night with me on days she didn't have school and through the summer.  She's extremely caring and thoughtful of my emotions and time.  Taking care of mom has been one of the most challenging times in my life because I'm missing out on so much time with my family. Yet Hannah understands the sacrifice I'm making and why I'm doing what I'm doing.  She is definitely wise beyond her years.  She's a big part of my world and I'm very glad she's my kid.  I'm super proud of the person she's becoming.  

38 of 52 of 2021

Yesterday was the last full day I had with my family before I spend the next 4 weeks staying at mom's again. Dan took me out to a sushi lunch where we enjoyed each other's company, good sushi, beer and hot sake.  It was pretty awesome.  I'm glad we are spending some alone time together when we can cause the living situation sucks and we really dont know how long it will be this way. 

The last 2 weeks with the family were pretty awesome.  I enjoyed every minute of it...even when the kids were fighting.  I need to make an effort to make it home in time to pick up the kids with Dan since I won't be seeing much of them for the next 4 weeks. 

On our drive over to spend the night with mom, Hannah mentioned that she has few memories with her Lolo.  One that sticks out was hiding under his chair and tickling his feet with the back scratcher.    Hannah was born the same year my dad was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer.  She was 5 when he passed away.  I'm just thankful that both Tyler and Hannah spent some time with my dad before he died.  I was always worried growing up that my kids would never be able to meet my parents because they had me so late in life.   

Here's to the 1st night of 28 at my mom's. This is the longest I'll be away from the family since I started staying here at the end of April. 

37 of 52 of 2021

This was my first week home every night after 4 weeks of staying at moms each night. One person was definitely happy about me being home....Sophie!  I've been with her every single day since we brought her home 8 years ago.  This is the first year that I haven't stayed home at night for mom than a few nights at a time.  She's been having a hard time with it too. Yet she still loves me the same and I couldn't be happier about it.  I have 1 more week left of being able to sleep at home each night before I'm gone for another 3 and a half weeks.  Im going to make the best of every day I have at home w my family. 

36 of 52 of 2021

Monday:  the start of the week and it's been a very rough last few days.  Mom was diagnosed with a UTI last week and was prescribed Macrobid.  She tolerated this drug in the past but this time is a completely different story. She gets dizzy spells soon after taking the medicine. Her appetite has practically gone away, her balance is awful, her demeanor is very negative and gets taxed for breath with low to mild exertion. I finally called in and was advised not to take the last dose today. They will try ceflex tomorrow to treat the UTI.  All was well before she started this antibiotic and now I feel we went back about 10 steps after making great progress since she was admitted back in April. 

The last few days have been extremely awful for me especially while she's been ill.  I miss my kids, my husband, my dog and my home.  5 hours home each day isn't enough and I really don't know how much more of this I can sustain. It's really taking a toll on my mental health.  It's taken a toll on my family. The sadness I see in my kid's eyes hurts deeply. I know they don't underhand why I'm doing what I'm doing.  Hell, sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I feel heavily burdened. It's disappointing to say that I've contemplated suicide so I can rest forever. I've even gone as far as rationalizing that my kids and husband won't miss me much because they hardly see me as it is. I can honestly say in this moment that I really hate my situation and what life has become for me and my family.  I'm missing out on so much at home. I miss seeing them wake on the morning. I miss hearing them say goodnight to me. I miss the sounds they make when they sleep.  I just miss them. It's really quite amazing that Dan has stuck w me this long. How long will he stick with me is a mystery. I can't be upset if he decides to go. This isn't what he signed up for when we married.  Our life has been put hold since 2012 when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I've been the one caring for my parents.  And I HATE all my brothers for not helping. I have so much resentment that I don't want anything to do with them when mom dies.  

Sunday:  well Ralph is in town and yet I'm still here at moms for the majority of the day. It appears that I'm still needed even for the basic things. It really makes me question whether I will ever maintain a bond with my brothers after moms dies.  Luckily I have Hannah and Sophie with me to spend the day.   Later today I'll take Hannah to the Asian market so she buy whatever she wants.  Then tomorrow I won't need to come here hopefully.