forgive me if there are faults in this here blog. this blog here, is being compiled after quite a few glasses of beer.
what prompted this you might add? hmm...good company. weird huh? it is. but hear me out okay. tonite, dan and i frequented one of the first bars he took me to - to meet his friends. southbeach in ocean beach. it is because of these outings that i have seemed to fallen in love with their little community. its almost a world of their own. but anyway, back to the topic. the looking glass....
have you ever thought that you know someone well enough, but in all reality dont really know that much about them? quite a brain teaser isnt it.
you see...on the ride home with dan, i got to talking about how i envied his friendship with his friends. i will openly admit that i will probably always envy it. why you ask. because i USED to have a circle of friends like he has. BUT i gave that up. due to sheer stupidity. i chose a man to come between those that always seemed to have my back up until the point where i shafted them. i never put a lot of thought into the saying that guys are a dime a dozen, or one a dog always a dog, or ... lovers come and go but friends will always stay. i have never abided by them cliches...nor did i care for them. why should i? i was on cloud 9....thats all i needed. i was being loved by someone that promised me the world - something my friends couldnt promise me. stupid me, i believed him and shafted them.
but now...i see...i how important it is to have a circle of friends you can truly turn to and trust. something, i am ashamed of, saying that i dont have. i really dont. i have at most 3 friends i can turn to when the going gets rough, and i mean rough. i dont really have friends. i dont really feel i need them because i always feel they have alterior motives. why i feel like that...because each and every single friend of mine has really let me down in ways i cannot even comprehend myself. i just know that they screwed me over so bad, that i know i cannot trust them. how pathetic.
in any case, dan has this group of friends that meet up every now and again for dinner and drinks. and man...do i envy them so much. i cannot even begin to describe how jealous i get. its all because i dont have friends like that. but in case, these guys including dan, have so many memories of each other...a lot of which i dont care about because they pertain to other females, but whatever you know. if dan will cheat, i have no control over that. i just need to believe that he wont. i cannot categorize him as such , because he was the only person that convinced me to love again. i must admit- i was pretty adamant about that. i was okay with just having him as a boy toy, a booty call, a good dinner out and free drinks. but it turned in to love. quite shocking for me actually in my young age where dudes come dime a dozen...or do they? to a once broken heart?
who the hell knows huh. in any instance, i explained all this to dan, and what he said to me was...my friends are now your friends. but are they? when the going gets tough - they will always be dan's friends. i'm sure dan has said this to his ex. ... and i am dead positive i know how she feels when he said that to her. its a girl thing that dan will never understand. ever. sorry honey. its a girl thing.
but it always got me to thinking...ya i know as much i need to know about dan, but do i really know him? do i know all the different sides of dan that i need to know? how do i know he's not keeping something from me? how do i know he doesnt have a whole other email address to see what else is out there? how do i not know that he is working out when he says he is? how do i not know that he's doing this or that? truth is. i will never know. i just have the faith in him and trust that he says he's doing what he is doing. i'm sure there are sides of dan that i dont know. its either a matter of time that they will come out or time where he will really disappoint me, but that is what you gamble when you fall in love with someone and dont know the entire history about them.
i have learned to keep everything in the open. dan has my passwords to everything...from my email address to my bank accounts to god knows what else. do i have those same privileges? i sure DO NOT. what do i feel about that? a little uneasy, but i have trust that he converses with others in a manner that is not flirtatious or in any way jeopardizing what we have built together. and.....and...if it does, then i am the fool. i have always been the fool and i dont care if i am the fool because i can honestly say that i have given it my ALL. dan knows every aspect of my life, he knows what i have been through...from my struggles to my triumphs and it is the best i can give him.
it all comes down to life being a looking glass. are you really seeing what you are seeing or only what you want to see?
