looking glass

forgive me if there are faults in this here blog. this blog here, is being compiled after quite a few glasses of beer.

what prompted this you might add? hmm...good company. weird huh? it is. but hear me out okay. tonite, dan and i frequented one of the first bars he took me to - to meet his friends. southbeach in ocean beach. it is because of these outings that i have seemed to fallen in love with their little community. its almost a world of their own. but anyway, back to the topic. the looking glass....

have you ever thought that you know someone well enough, but in all reality dont really know that much about them? quite a brain teaser isnt it.

you see...on the ride home with dan, i got to talking about how i envied his friendship with his friends. i will openly admit that i will probably always envy it. why you ask. because i USED to have a circle of friends like he has. BUT i gave that up. due to sheer stupidity. i chose a man to come between those that always seemed to have my back up until the point where i shafted them. i never put a lot of thought into the saying that guys are a dime a dozen, or one a dog always a dog, or ... lovers come and go but friends will always stay. i have never abided by them cliches...nor did i care for them. why should i? i was on cloud 9....thats all i needed. i was being loved by someone that promised me the world - something my friends couldnt promise me. stupid me, i believed him and shafted them.

but now...i see...i how important it is to have a circle of friends you can truly turn to and trust. something, i am ashamed of, saying that i dont have. i really dont. i have at most 3 friends i can turn to when the going gets rough, and i mean rough. i dont really have friends. i dont really feel i need them because i always feel they have alterior motives. why i feel like that...because each and every single friend of mine has really let me down in ways i cannot even comprehend myself. i just know that they screwed me over so bad, that i know i cannot trust them. how pathetic.

in any case, dan has this group of friends that meet up every now and again for dinner and drinks. and man...do i envy them so much. i cannot even begin to describe how jealous i get. its all because i dont have friends like that. but in case, these guys including dan, have so many memories of each other...a lot of which i dont care about because they pertain to other females, but whatever you know. if dan will cheat, i have no control over that. i just need to believe that he wont. i cannot categorize him as such , because he was the only person that convinced me to love again. i must admit- i was pretty adamant about that. i was okay with just having him as a boy toy, a booty call, a good dinner out and free drinks. but it turned in to love. quite shocking for me actually in my young age where dudes come dime a dozen...or do they? to a once broken heart?

who the hell knows huh. in any instance, i explained all this to dan, and what he said to me was...my friends are now your friends. but are they? when the going gets tough - they will always be dan's friends. i'm sure dan has said this to his ex. ... and i am dead positive i know how she feels when he said that to her. its a girl thing that dan will never understand. ever. sorry honey. its a girl thing.

but it always got me to thinking...ya i know as much i need to know about dan, but do i really know him? do i know all the different sides of dan that i need to know? how do i know he's not keeping something from me? how do i know he doesnt have a whole other email address to see what else is out there? how do i not know that he is working out when he says he is? how do i not know that he's doing this or that? truth is. i will never know. i just have the faith in him and trust that he says he's doing what he is doing. i'm sure there are sides of dan that i dont know. its either a matter of time that they will come out or time where he will really disappoint me, but that is what you gamble when you fall in love with someone and dont know the entire history about them.

i have learned to keep everything in the open. dan has my passwords to everything...from my email address to my bank accounts to god knows what else. do i have those same privileges? i sure DO NOT. what do i feel about that? a little uneasy, but i have trust that he converses with others in a manner that is not flirtatious or in any way jeopardizing what we have built together. and.....and...if it does, then i am the fool. i have always been the fool and i dont care if i am the fool because i can honestly say that i have given it my ALL. dan knows every aspect of my life, he knows what i have been through...from my struggles to my triumphs and it is the best i can give him.

it all comes down to life being a looking glass. are you really seeing what you are seeing or only what you want to see?

why?

i understand that people have an insatiable hunger to create drama and in turn feed off of it. but why? someone answer me this.

i work in cubicle land. where i work, its hard not to hear the ins and outs of people's lives. i'm not sure why people voluntarily speak about things that would be, to a normal person, private. but then again, whose normal these days? i guess that answers that.

the clash of people's backgrounds, credentials, upbringings and learning curves all play a role in how the whole will interact with each other. you see, where i work, there are all kinds of folks. i mean, we're almost our own melting pot. its kinda neat because there's always a different perspective - depending on who you talk to. with this said, why badger someone for an achievement they have worked so hard in getting? why belittle them for going an extra mile in life? why?

as dan puts it - its because they are insecure. in every shape and form, dan is probably 98.9% correct. but its so sad that someone would go out of their way to make someone feel...so...degraded almost for earning an achievement.

humans are humans, we all make our mistakes and we all triumph at something great in our life. but why is the human race so vicious towards each other. the world truly is a dog eat dog world. i guess this is what humans were destined to do. you see, i earned a degree in sociology. so i know a fair amount of how to perceive things in different perspectives all from people watching. sociology is the study of people, and i have to admit studying people and watching people really intrigues me. i have learned to categorize people by how they interact with others, and so on and so forth. i studied this crap for 4 years of my life. i think i know what i'm talking about...and i definitely know what i'm thinking. but i have never been able to understand the human race and the interactions we all engage in. granted, i never have been able to figure out the animal kingdom other than the strongest will survive. but that doesnt always hold true for the human race. or does it? you tell me.

Hump Day

that's right folks - today is hump day. congrats to all of you who have managed to make it this far in the work week. the week for me...has been long - kinda. you see, there's nothing to really do right now at work. its like the calm before the storm because next month is when all hell breaks loose and overtime begins. yep folks, i will be putting in more than 40 hours a day and probably even working 6 days out of the week. how depressing, you might say. but no, not really. i need the money for the holidays. a huge chunk of what i'm making is being saved for a house and the other chunk goes to gas while the small remainder thats left goes to my daily expenses that keeps me going. so...when over time comes, i dont mind having a few extra bills in my wallet, granted i have to work for it, but my job is pretty easy compared to many of you out there. so i cant complain.

this week, i have vowed to myself that i am going to stick to a workout regimen. the idea at this point is to work out at least 6 days out of the week. i'm going on my honeymoon at the very beginning of february and i will be damned if i'm the only fat woman or out of shape woman on those new zealand beaches. so...to make sure this doesnt happen i am working out extra hard. dangit, i hope it pays off. for my sake and dan's sake.

life as i know it is great. i cant complain about anything really except that its freaking HOT out here. i've been asked many times and continue to be asked how married life is...and the answer is, it hasn't changed from before. i've only acquired another piece of jewelry on my finger and a marriage certificate from the county of san diego officially deeming us husband and wife. things are great. we're both happy and very much in love. we are really enjoying where we are in life right now.

hump day is nearing its end....

weathered

so for the last couple of days - monday to be exact, i have been under the weather. it sux bad. i ended up getting sick on sunday and it really hit me on monday. thank goodness i had already planned to have tuesday and wednesday off for a biopsy. so it kinda hit me at the right time. i called in sick today to kick the rest of it - so hopefully tomorrow i will be in full gear to work when i get there. i'm actually looking forward to it, becuase i dont deal too well with being home bound. as a matter of fact, i get anxious sitting here at home. and poor dan, when he comes home i'm just bouncing off the walls...and all he wants to do is relax.

the doctors visit on tuesday went well except for the fact that my parents showed up. that was awkward. my mom was in the room with me the entire exam...and it was really uncomfortable. it wasn't like i invited her either, she kinda just barged in and welcomed herself to join us. really weird, but whatever.

then i just got sicker and sicker after that. i think today is the only day that i feel somewhat normal. my body doesnt ache anymore. all i've got left is a headache i cant shake off and endless blows of snot coming out of my nose. once i get rid of all that, i should be good to go. in any event, i knew it was coming. the last time i got sick was in january. i was long over due. i usually get sick at least 3 times a year.

well, i better get my ass on that couch and relax so all this will be over tomorrow. thank goodness today is so much cooler.