survival mode

it has been 3 years since my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 Prostate cancer.  It has been a long journey, yet a successful one under the circumstances.
we celebrate triumphs and we dust off and stand back up when life throws a crappy curve ball at us.  my dad has been the star of it all. his determination and strength has not once waivered.
with the family reunion behind us and fall creeping up on us, I can help but to sit here for a few minutes and think about how exhausted I am yet thankful. 
my sister in law put it best, I've been in survival mode for so long that I don't know what normal mode is anymore. my mind is always racing 100 mph.
I've quickly learned that keeping a log of dad's appointments and taking notes has been a life saver.  I can't seem to remember much these days.  I've been doing the same for my mom, kids and work now cause it's the only way I can keep anything straight anymore.  it's really quite scary.
because of this survival mode, every time I have a chance to relax and take the opportunity to do it i end up sick.  it's as if the survival mode is keeping me well otherwise I'd be sicker than a dog the better part of the year.
one thing I hate about survival mode is that I never have enough time for my family.  I'm too consumed in preparing for the next day or even next week.  I find myself brushing my kids off and I hate it when I think back on it. nothing feels worse than the look on my kids' face when I turn them down to do something with them.
time to rethink survival mode and figure out how to get my family folded back into my day to day...

Beacon

Today was a bit of an unsettling day.  It started off with an email to call my sister in law, which was sent at a little past 4 am.  I knew something was wrong but was about to shower, so opted to shower before I called.  Right before I stepped in the shower, I saw the news about the Brussels terrorist attack.  My gut tightened and my heart raced.  I knew the email had something to do with the attacks.
20 minutes later, my hunch was confirmed.  My sister in law, one of the strongest and compassionate people in the world, was wavering with worry and maybe panic.  Why? Because her husband was in a war zone and the next hours turned into unknowns, questions marks, what ifs, how do i's.  I felt her same worry and panic because he has been one of my rocks in life.
When he and I chatted, for about 5 minutes before he had to go, he said, I have a beacon at home.  She [my sister in law] will guide me home.  That statement was so damn powerful to me.  For a couple that has had their ups and downs, he still looked to her as home.  In that moment, it just proves what love can do regardless of the many ups and downs you have.  When it comes down to it, love brings you back, gives you meaning, gives you purpose and gives you the strength to live.
I saw a different guy in him.  I heard fear in his life and uncertainty, all of which I have never heard before.  It made him human, not just my brother that fixes things for me and makes things easier.  He in this moment was scared, he'll never admit, but he was scared. 

But through that, he has a beacon and because of that I know he'll survive and I will get to see him this weekend.

To all the beacons out there, don't stop shinning that light, its the symbol of hope.  Our world needs hope. 

Commit

I find it very tasteless and rather irresponsible when a person has voluntarily committed to do something then backs out.
I was raised not to volunteer for anything if there's the slightest chance I can't deliver.
I understand that circumstances arise where it's almost impossible to deliver on your commitment. In that case I have been raised to come up with Plan B. This way nothing gets thrown out of whack.
To volunteer for something then give a lame excuse why you can't deliver is down right tasteless and makes me think lose trust in you and your character.

Determination

Yesterday was an emotion filled day for me.  I celebrated both good and bad things that represented determination.

The topic of this post is determination. The photo of this post represents my dad's determination to live the longest he can, to beat cancer, and to know he gave his best fight.

The story goes like this. August 2012 mom and I brought him to the ER 10 min to midnight for chest pains and difficulty in breathing.  1 week later we find out he has stage 4 Prostate Cancer.  He was adamant he did not want to under go radiation or chemo therapy.

One and a half years later he has fought hard to beat this thing with all the odds against him: he's in his early 80s with underlying health issues. We have tried all other treatment options...but the cancer is beginning to rear its ugly head and become more aggressive.

Our next best option of treatment now is chemo therapy. We are now stopping the chemo pills and will begin IV chemo in the next week or two. My dad's tune has shifted. His determination to live has out weighed his fear of losing his hair.  This is the next step to life for him. To see his kids and grand children grow.

I admire him for his strength, his value in life and family, to make sure we are all okay, his selflessness. I admire him for teaching me that giving up because its easy isnt an option that perservering is always the option. 

I just admire him for his courage in fighting this head on. He is the strongest man I know.

For these reasons and so much more...I love him.

9 years

This month marks 9 years of being with my husband.
It has been one hell of a month already, but the last 8 years have been wonderful. My husband is great at being by my side. He helps me through everything: the good, the bad and the ugly.
I look forward to what this year has in store for us.

Celebration

The past month now I have kept a secret for a co-worker, a friend, a role model and mentor.  She has really inspired me to step outside of my comfort zone and extend myself...something I havent done in years. I have played it safe for a few years now because I was comfortable. I was more or less happ where I was. I just wanted to have things assigned and be able to deliver what I needed to.
She saw my potential and wanted to exploit it. She wanted everyone else to see the diamond in the rough. She took it upon herself to shape and mold me. She took the time and teached me all she knows.  I soaked in all I can.
I learned yesterday that I have 2 weeks left to soak in as much as I possibly can because the dream she was chasing has become a reality. I am beyond excited for her because she will do great things.  She is destined for great things. I can only hope our paths cross again professionally.
I have promised myself to reach beyond my comfort and happy zone to once again reach for my dreams.  Its what will give me purpose and life again professionally. I owe most of my revitalized drive to her.
I celebrate her success and my new found drive! Heres to taking hold of my future again and believing in my dreams...

... as I sent off my high school class 15 years ago... with Eleanor Roosevelt's quote...

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dream

Cheers to success...to life...to the beauty of the chase!

New Year

2014...has come and gone...and in a blink of an eye...it's now 2015.
What will this year hold for me? My family? My career? My friendships?
I do know that in the years past I have hoped and prayed for a better, less stressful, healthier and prosperous year. I am finding that it's probably too much to ask for, so this year I will just take this year by the horns and face it head on. I know, from history, it will be an interesting year filled with whatever challenges arise, stress of every day life, stress of making a name for myself at work, yet all maintaining my household and making sure my parents are cared for. I think this year will be epic either way.
I will need to keep reminding myself why I do what I do each day...for the love for my family. So here's to trying to remember to catch as many sunsets as I can in 2015 and to enjoy the day for what it is. Here's to an epic New Year!