Commit

I find it very tasteless and rather irresponsible when a person has voluntarily committed to do something then backs out.
I was raised not to volunteer for anything if there's the slightest chance I can't deliver.
I understand that circumstances arise where it's almost impossible to deliver on your commitment. In that case I have been raised to come up with Plan B. This way nothing gets thrown out of whack.
To volunteer for something then give a lame excuse why you can't deliver is down right tasteless and makes me think lose trust in you and your character.

Determination

Yesterday was an emotion filled day for me.  I celebrated both good and bad things that represented determination.

The topic of this post is determination. The photo of this post represents my dad's determination to live the longest he can, to beat cancer, and to know he gave his best fight.

The story goes like this. August 2012 mom and I brought him to the ER 10 min to midnight for chest pains and difficulty in breathing.  1 week later we find out he has stage 4 Prostate Cancer.  He was adamant he did not want to under go radiation or chemo therapy.

One and a half years later he has fought hard to beat this thing with all the odds against him: he's in his early 80s with underlying health issues. We have tried all other treatment options...but the cancer is beginning to rear its ugly head and become more aggressive.

Our next best option of treatment now is chemo therapy. We are now stopping the chemo pills and will begin IV chemo in the next week or two. My dad's tune has shifted. His determination to live has out weighed his fear of losing his hair.  This is the next step to life for him. To see his kids and grand children grow.

I admire him for his strength, his value in life and family, to make sure we are all okay, his selflessness. I admire him for teaching me that giving up because its easy isnt an option that perservering is always the option. 

I just admire him for his courage in fighting this head on. He is the strongest man I know.

For these reasons and so much more...I love him.

9 years

This month marks 9 years of being with my husband.
It has been one hell of a month already, but the last 8 years have been wonderful. My husband is great at being by my side. He helps me through everything: the good, the bad and the ugly.
I look forward to what this year has in store for us.

Celebration

The past month now I have kept a secret for a co-worker, a friend, a role model and mentor.  She has really inspired me to step outside of my comfort zone and extend myself...something I havent done in years. I have played it safe for a few years now because I was comfortable. I was more or less happ where I was. I just wanted to have things assigned and be able to deliver what I needed to.
She saw my potential and wanted to exploit it. She wanted everyone else to see the diamond in the rough. She took it upon herself to shape and mold me. She took the time and teached me all she knows.  I soaked in all I can.
I learned yesterday that I have 2 weeks left to soak in as much as I possibly can because the dream she was chasing has become a reality. I am beyond excited for her because she will do great things.  She is destined for great things. I can only hope our paths cross again professionally.
I have promised myself to reach beyond my comfort and happy zone to once again reach for my dreams.  Its what will give me purpose and life again professionally. I owe most of my revitalized drive to her.
I celebrate her success and my new found drive! Heres to taking hold of my future again and believing in my dreams...

... as I sent off my high school class 15 years ago... with Eleanor Roosevelt's quote...

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dream

Cheers to success...to life...to the beauty of the chase!

New Year

2014...has come and gone...and in a blink of an eye...it's now 2015.
What will this year hold for me? My family? My career? My friendships?
I do know that in the years past I have hoped and prayed for a better, less stressful, healthier and prosperous year. I am finding that it's probably too much to ask for, so this year I will just take this year by the horns and face it head on. I know, from history, it will be an interesting year filled with whatever challenges arise, stress of every day life, stress of making a name for myself at work, yet all maintaining my household and making sure my parents are cared for. I think this year will be epic either way.
I will need to keep reminding myself why I do what I do each day...for the love for my family. So here's to trying to remember to catch as many sunsets as I can in 2015 and to enjoy the day for what it is. Here's to an epic New Year!

Normal

"That's normal"
Those were the words that described my shut down.
....

The day started normal for a Saturday. Woke up normal. Worked out at the Y like normal. Ran errands at Costco like normal. Got lunch at Del Taco like normal.  Laundry was being done like normal. Kids were being normal.
...

The evening hit and it was normal no more. A little snide comment was all it took. At least it was my perception of it being a snide comment.  I decided to finally relax in the lazy boy and the remote was handed to me. I wasnt looking to change the channel and said something to that nature. And the comment came...lf wanting to watch basketball but had to do all these other little things and now watch the kids.
...
Resentment hit first. Then i was just pissed off. I busted my ass all day doing chores: laundry, cleaning the floors, cleaning the bath, picking up the kitchen, watching the kids while he stepped out for a couple hours. Not once today had i had the opportunity to kick up my feet open a brew and take a deep breath. 

So after a series of events in the evening that got my blood boiling and my son asked id i was happy and i responded no im pissed off. I resigned. I auto shut down. I decided im not taking any more. I dont want to talk about it. I dont want to argue about it. Im just done.

So yes not wanting to talk about it and hash it out is my new normal. I have no fight left cause i have no energy left. This is my new normal.

Standing Watch

Tonight I stand watch over my dad. He hasnt been feeling good for about 2 weeks now.  It has been a year and 3 months since he has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
I have accepted the fact that he will not be the spring chicken happy go lucky dad as he was 20 years ago. I know that it will get worse. I know time is limited. I know I have to cherish these days. I know my kids will remember him.
Knowing all those things doesnt make dealing with this any easier. I know and have accepted that caring for my parents has fallen to me. Its culturally the thing to do. Its what is expected of me. And I probably wouldnt want it any other way.
So here I stand watch over my dad so my mom can get a break. So she can socialize with her friends and have a break from this. I know it affects her. I just hope she will be okay when the time comes.
So here I stand watch because I love them with all of my heart.
I will continue to stand watch until i need to...