Normal

"That's normal"
Those were the words that described my shut down.
....

The day started normal for a Saturday. Woke up normal. Worked out at the Y like normal. Ran errands at Costco like normal. Got lunch at Del Taco like normal.  Laundry was being done like normal. Kids were being normal.
...

The evening hit and it was normal no more. A little snide comment was all it took. At least it was my perception of it being a snide comment.  I decided to finally relax in the lazy boy and the remote was handed to me. I wasnt looking to change the channel and said something to that nature. And the comment came...lf wanting to watch basketball but had to do all these other little things and now watch the kids.
...
Resentment hit first. Then i was just pissed off. I busted my ass all day doing chores: laundry, cleaning the floors, cleaning the bath, picking up the kitchen, watching the kids while he stepped out for a couple hours. Not once today had i had the opportunity to kick up my feet open a brew and take a deep breath. 

So after a series of events in the evening that got my blood boiling and my son asked id i was happy and i responded no im pissed off. I resigned. I auto shut down. I decided im not taking any more. I dont want to talk about it. I dont want to argue about it. Im just done.

So yes not wanting to talk about it and hash it out is my new normal. I have no fight left cause i have no energy left. This is my new normal.

Standing Watch

Tonight I stand watch over my dad. He hasnt been feeling good for about 2 weeks now.  It has been a year and 3 months since he has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
I have accepted the fact that he will not be the spring chicken happy go lucky dad as he was 20 years ago. I know that it will get worse. I know time is limited. I know I have to cherish these days. I know my kids will remember him.
Knowing all those things doesnt make dealing with this any easier. I know and have accepted that caring for my parents has fallen to me. Its culturally the thing to do. Its what is expected of me. And I probably wouldnt want it any other way.
So here I stand watch over my dad so my mom can get a break. So she can socialize with her friends and have a break from this. I know it affects her. I just hope she will be okay when the time comes.
So here I stand watch because I love them with all of my heart.
I will continue to stand watch until i need to...

Finding me again

Me. I limit the "all about me" moments and seem to put a majority of my energy into everyone else, in doing so, I have realized I'm losing me.
I used to think of myself as happy go lucky, roll with the punches, lets just conquer the day type of a person. I used to sing in the shower, dance like a maniac in the car and sing and dance as I cook. All that gone.
Now I find myself strung so tight that I yell at my kids, dog and husband for the tiniest things. I, quite frankly, dont like it. I am deciding to find me again. I am making a promise to myself to do at least 1 thing a day for me that makes me happy.  This is huge, cause I have felt so disconnected for so long.

3rd attempt...2014

The year 2014...the end of the year as a matter of fact. Its 510am on a Wednesday morning. Im laying next to Hannah listening to her breathe.  As she sleeps so peacefully, I lay here with so much stuff running through my head.
So yes, this is my 3rd attempt at blogging. Okay, so why blogging...and why a 3rd time. The simple answer is this is to help myself from completely internalizing everything. I internalize until I cant anymore then I just blow. I get to a point where its just too much then I shut down. So here I am going to attempt, again, to express and share to an unknowing world the stuff that goes on in my head. Failures. Successes. Sadness. Happiness. Everything.
So heres to getting the stuff off my brain so I can just let them be...let it run its course. I at the age of 33 need to find my new happy place. My balance. I need to find my center because I find myself all too often getting lost in the day to day stuff. And all too often I find myself living and doing things for others and not necessarily myself. Its dawning on me that I need to start making me happy too cause if I dont make am attempt to do that now this beautiful life and all the blessings I have in it will be too much a day job and not the life I'd love to live. I want to love the life I live...even as stressful it is.
So heres to my 3rd attempt.

2012 and what it meant to me

I, like everyone else, think back about this time every year to figure out what the year meant to us.  

2012 has a lot of meaning to me... a few of those are...

First and foremost, 2012 was the year my daughter was born. She has been the light of our house since.  She has a very caring smile that melts any worry or stress away.  She keeps my husband and I on our toes and definitely is one of the reasons why we work so hard the way we do.  

Secondy, 2012 offered many great opportunities for my career.  I was able to promote up from a business analyst to a team manager.  The transition was quite lengthy, but I learned quite a bit in the short time I was a team manager.  I learned that I do not like managing union staff.  The third quarter of 2012 I was able to promote up from being a team manager to a senior business process analyst.  I learned that my true calling within the company was that of an analyst.  So here I am, ending 2012 as an analyst, do exactly what I like doing.  

Third, 2012 has made me realize that my family is the best thing that ever happened to me.  My husband has really proven to be the rock in my life.  He keeps everything in perspective and ensures that everything works out, no matter how much I doubt.  He sees the positive in every situation and reminds me to always be patient.  My kids are my joy.  They cause me a lot of sleepless nights but every smile, every kiss, every sound of laughter makes it all so worth it to me.  

I know 2013 will be a busy year for me both family wise and work wise, but I know that at the end of each day, I have the best support and love a person can ever ask for. 

Smiles

My lil man always manages to put a smile on my face no matter how hard of a day I had.  He's an emotional kid and really wears his emotions on his sleeve.  I love days when he's cuddly and all about mommy.  Though he's not talking yet at 2.5 years, he manages to express himself in other ways.  I know it will take a lot of work to get him to start talking but its something that my husband and I need to focus on before he gets too behind.  I have no doubt that he will learn to talk, it's just a matter of time and a lot of hard work and dedication on my and my husband's part.
Often times I think that maybe he would be talking by now had I decided to be a stay at home mom.  But I believe I am a better mom to him being a working mom.  I do not think it is in my DNA to be a stay at home mom.  There are times where my mind dances at the idea of being one simply to escape the stress of work.  Working makes me happy and keeps me sane.  I come from a family of hard workers.
My mom was a stay at home mom. She's an educated woman.  Put herself through school to become a mid-wife in the Philippines only to come to America to be a stay at home mom.  A decision that was not entirely hers I don't think.  I saw how unhappy my mom was at times being a stay at home mom.  I truly believe that if my mom worked, used her passion of caring and helping others as a mid wife she would be a much happier person.  I always told myself that I would strive for a place in this world.  I received a damn good education and I will make the best of it.
My dad served in the Navy, retired, then worked for the county.  He worked long hours.  We hardly saw him.  He was up and out of the house before the family even woke.  He came home, ate dinner and went to bed to do the same routine over and over again.  His hard work put food on the table, paid for school supplies for 5 kids, maintained a roof over our head, and provided just about everything he could with his pay.  I admired his hard work and dedication for his family.  I see myself doing much of  same thing.  I work to be able to provide the best I can for my family.
My brothers... they all went to college.  It was my parent's expectation for all of us to graduate college.  We met that expectation.  Now a majority of us are working full time in a career we love.
Best of all, I know that the hard work I am putting in during the week is paying off.  I am able to purchase the things my family needs and wants.  I can spoil my kids to no end.  I'm saving for their future.  The best feeling in the world is coming home to my family and seeing that they missed me and love me all the same.  The smiles I get from my son are the best...they cheer my heart and soul.

I'm back!

it has been about two and a half years since I've posted a blog.  My excuse is simply: LIFE got really busy after giving birth to my son.  What exactly got busy? That's for another blog post... ok several blog posts.   I want to say that from here on out a majority of my posts will be centered around me juggling to be a full time working mom.  I believe this venue will more or less help me unleash some frustrations from my many challenges and of course share my little triumphs.
Basically my point to you is: I'm back on blogger! Stay tuned.