11/08/2017

Today I'll call a success.  We got dad to eat enough to take meds and to also smoke some weed. He seemed to be in a better mood today and seemed to be stronger today.

If we can have more days like today, he may make it to his birthday in February.

11/07/2017

Today was just like any other day.  My routine call to my parents to see how they are.  The litany of questions on how dad is fairing begins with did dad eat today? that will help answer the rest of the questions on whether he took his medicine, has he pooped and does he want to smoke some weed.

Today started with a no he only ate 3 spoonfuls of rice. which means no medicine and no poop.  he doesn't even have the energy to smoke weed. 

11/06/2017

This day we can mark it as a success.  Dad was able to smoke some weed and take his Prednisone that was prescribed to him on Friday.   He is still struggling to eat and it's in large part because he's not taking the medicine nor is he smoking enough weed to make a difference.
I remember having a conversation with my mother in law. She shared what she went through with her dad.  I remember her telling me that her dad just stopped eating, wouldn't want anything. I think this is where my dad is.  He has no appetite, nothing tastes good and everything smells horribly.
He has stopped taking most of his medicine and just sleeps the majority of the day.  About 4 years ago, I remember having to figure out all the medicine he was taking.  I bought him a pill case for each day and I would put all his medicine together that he needed to take throughout the day.  I even bought a storage box because there was so many.  Now, he's down to only taking a handful and he can't even manage to take them. 
I know that the time is coming, sooner than later.  I just hope he can make it to his birthday. 

11/1 - 11/5

I meant to post this blog everyday beginning on Nov 1st, but life had other plans for me.  So I am going to try to post one here on out for the remainder of my dad's living days.

It has been a very trying last couple months, actually ever since my we leaned dad has 6 months left.

Let's rewind to November 1st.  After working close to what felt like 24 hours for the 2018 Open Enrollment software release, I called my parents as I normally do every morning to see how they are.  All seemed okay.  I asked my normal questions of whether dad ate, took his medicine and if he had a bowel movement yet. Dad didn't eat, nor did he take his meds yet,  but he did have a bowel movement.  I take 1 for 3 as a small win for the day.

November 2nd, I get a call first thing at 830 from my dad.  He sounded desperate, asking if I can come over with my laptop. I ask him why and he pleads that he wants to take Megace because it made him plump before. Historical note, early 2016 dad was placed on Megace to help with his appetite during his first round of chemo. it helped him tons but also caused him to have multiple pulmonary embolisms.  He was rushed to the hospital on 12/19/2015 due to this. I remember that day to the T because it was my birthday.  Back to 2017,  he begged me to call the doctor to get a prescription.  I called and was not successful because she didn't have any openings. I applied for a medical marijuana card so we get him so marijuana. Even bought his edibles. 

November 3rd, I start my day with my dad.  We head to the medical offices to first get his labs, pick up prescriptions for mom then off to his check up.  All went ok.  His vitals were great.  All seemed good until we took his weight. He now weighs 104 pounds.  He started the year at 150ish. While there,  he gets a bag of fluids to help him feel better. I'm optimistic that he will try the edibles to help boost his appetite. We left the doctors office without Megace but with a 5 day course of prednisone.  prednisone helped dad with less risk.  Dad tried edibles and didn't like them. I was hoping we can ease into smoking it. 

November 4th.  I wake up excited. Today is the day my dad will smoke some weed to get the munchies. This coupled with Prednisone will be a for sure cure for this loss of appetite. I get to my dad's house and learn he didn't take the prednisone. He didn't even eat breakfast. I talk him into waking up and eating something, to no avail.  I head out back to garden for an hour before I try again with my dad.  Luckily this time around he's more compliant.  We head outside to smoke a bowl.  He has a hard time with smoking it cause his throat hurts and his lungs hurt from not smoking in a long time.  I'm seeing he's getting more relaxed but don't think it's enough to give him the munchies.  I'm starting to lose hope. He only smoked a bowl that was even packed. I tried to get him to smoke another bowl before I head home and nothing. All he wants to do is sleep. Mission smoking weed for the munchies failed. 

November 5th. Dad asked me to come back so he can smoke again.  I head over and both he and mom are still asleep.  I wake them up after I have breakfast and no smoking weed today.  He doesn't feel good and doesn't feel like smoking any.  I bought them some breakfast from McDonald's so they can ear but the smell of the food makes him gag.  I plead with him to eat so he can take his medicine. He says he wants jello, so I head to the store to buy it.  He puts a spoonful in his mouth and nothing, can't even eat it.  I have a hard talk with him telling him that if he doesn't eat he won't make it to his birthday in February.  I ask him how can I help and he just doesn't know. he says his stomach doesn't want to eat. this i know, is a sure sign that his body is giving up on him. I'm praying he makes it to Thanksgiving so he can see his boys.

I'll be praying he can find the strength to eat to make it another week....

Death Row

My morning today began with a slow start.  As a matter of fact, I was dreading today. Ever since we found out that my dad has approximately 6 more months left to live, any interactions with my dad have been heavy hearted. 
Approximately at 815 am my dad calls me advising he doesn't feel well.  My standard response to him is what do you want to do?  His response is, cancel the appointment.  So I inquire what his symptoms are because usually he tries to avoid appointments, especially after a negative visit.  
After finally convincing him he needs to go he blatantly says why should I even go anymore, the doctor put me on death row.  He starts to cry and assure him no one has done that and that kind of attitude is what will kill him faster.
It turned out to be a very exhausting day, emotionally. The doctor cried with us and assured him that we are not going down the path of end of life care but rather enhancing his quality of life.  Sometimes it takes a doctor with a heart of gold to convince the most hard headed man that we want him to be as pain free as possible.

4 years

This is my second post for this year.  I was hoping to be better at chronicling my life as a sandwiched woman. A woman who finds herself between helping her parents while also providing for her own family. To think of it, this could be one of the reasons why I hate sandwiches.

Today, I can mark as one of the most sobering days of my life.  My dad, who has been fighting stage 4 cancer for the past 4 years was given an estimation of his life expectancy.  He bravely asked the doctor how long he has. Though I know he was hoping for a better outcome, she responded with 6 months.  She also threw in a caveat that she has been wrong several times in her career. My dad now has a timeframe to which he can make the best of his life.  It also gives me a timeframe of how much I have left to spend with him and show him just how much Iove him by being here for him and providing what I can.

The best part of my day was hearing that my favorite nephew wrote an essay on how important I am to him.  This makes all my struggles worth it.  I sure hope I can teach him and my kids what it means to give back to one's parents. I can only hope that one day my kids will take care of me as I am taking care of my own parents.

6 months...

Sandwich

Getting older is an inevitable process of life. 

I spent the better part of today in the emergency department with my dad.  He suffered from a gastric ulcer which caused him to lose a steady amount of blood in a short period of time.  His blood pressure was so low that he kept collapsing. Today was a 911 kind of day.  Luckily the doctors were able to identify and stop of the bleeding.  He is now on the long road of recovery.

Today started off good.  I had a plan for the day and had planned to accomplish many goals not to mention all the deliverables I have for work.  But it all came to a screeching halt with a phone call.

I saw my dad at his weakest and most vulnerable time of his life. He had put his complete trust in me. Trusting me to make the right decisions to keep him safe and healthy.  Through it all, I felt peaved about the whole situation.   I felt guilty about that because my whole life was being put on hold to care for my dad.  I couldn't help but think about the lost time spent with my kids or with my job.

I was literally sandwiched between my own family and my parents.

Being the sandwich generation sucks!