36

Today is my 36th birthday.  The day started off like any other day which was fabulous.  In fact, I had breakfast with a good friend and was able to catch up on our lives. 
Shortly after breakfast the day headed south.  as I knew in my brain it would.  You see,  for the past 3 or 4 years now I've spent a large part of my birthday with my dad.  What's so wrong with that, you're probably thinking.  Nothing is wrong with it, as a matter of fact I don't mind spending my day with my dad.  but here's the thing, we spend it at some Kaiser facility because he's ill.  I'm hoping today we can change the course by going to urgent care vs the emergency room and thus being admitted until after Christmas. 
These annual anniversary visits to Kaiser are really starting to annoy the hell out of me.  One thing I've adjusted to over the years is this... I don't look forward to my birthdays as I used to cause so far (as this year confirms)  it always ends up at Kaiser.  I used to look forward to birthdays because it's a day to celebrate another year, but now in my case, it praying to survive another year. 
so happy birthday to me and happy anniversary to Kaiser.  Here's to praying that 36 will be kind to me (though I ain't holding my breath).

...

For the past, what seems like forever, 3 months my schedule has grown busier and more stressful.  It's been so busy that I've now caught myself, a few times, opting to not spend time with my kids so I can do something else.  often times these "something else" items are chores I've neglected cause I've been so busy.  so needless to say, I suck at setting priorities. 
I knew it was bad when my son asked me if he could help me with a chore, just so he can spend time with me.  Not knowing this, I shood him away so I can finish the chore faster.
Guilt crept in and I tried to me amends, but no such luck.  He was mad with me and had every reason to be.  It wasn't until then that I realized my family misses me.  I've been here but not here at the same time. I've been riding this wave for so long that going thru the motions was just something I did now.  without thinking, getting things done was my priority no matter the cost.
so here I am spending time with my kids after they get home from school and during the weekends.  and I mean really spending time with them such as getting down and dirty with playing games or pretend make up. 
I don't think I want to miss out anymore cause they're getting older each day and soon enough hanging with mom just won't be cool anymore.