survival mode

it has been 3 years since my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 Prostate cancer.  It has been a long journey, yet a successful one under the circumstances.
we celebrate triumphs and we dust off and stand back up when life throws a crappy curve ball at us.  my dad has been the star of it all. his determination and strength has not once waivered.
with the family reunion behind us and fall creeping up on us, I can help but to sit here for a few minutes and think about how exhausted I am yet thankful. 
my sister in law put it best, I've been in survival mode for so long that I don't know what normal mode is anymore. my mind is always racing 100 mph.
I've quickly learned that keeping a log of dad's appointments and taking notes has been a life saver.  I can't seem to remember much these days.  I've been doing the same for my mom, kids and work now cause it's the only way I can keep anything straight anymore.  it's really quite scary.
because of this survival mode, every time I have a chance to relax and take the opportunity to do it i end up sick.  it's as if the survival mode is keeping me well otherwise I'd be sicker than a dog the better part of the year.
one thing I hate about survival mode is that I never have enough time for my family.  I'm too consumed in preparing for the next day or even next week.  I find myself brushing my kids off and I hate it when I think back on it. nothing feels worse than the look on my kids' face when I turn them down to do something with them.
time to rethink survival mode and figure out how to get my family folded back into my day to day...