36

Today is my 36th birthday.  The day started off like any other day which was fabulous.  In fact, I had breakfast with a good friend and was able to catch up on our lives. 
Shortly after breakfast the day headed south.  as I knew in my brain it would.  You see,  for the past 3 or 4 years now I've spent a large part of my birthday with my dad.  What's so wrong with that, you're probably thinking.  Nothing is wrong with it, as a matter of fact I don't mind spending my day with my dad.  but here's the thing, we spend it at some Kaiser facility because he's ill.  I'm hoping today we can change the course by going to urgent care vs the emergency room and thus being admitted until after Christmas. 
These annual anniversary visits to Kaiser are really starting to annoy the hell out of me.  One thing I've adjusted to over the years is this... I don't look forward to my birthdays as I used to cause so far (as this year confirms)  it always ends up at Kaiser.  I used to look forward to birthdays because it's a day to celebrate another year, but now in my case, it praying to survive another year. 
so happy birthday to me and happy anniversary to Kaiser.  Here's to praying that 36 will be kind to me (though I ain't holding my breath).

...

For the past, what seems like forever, 3 months my schedule has grown busier and more stressful.  It's been so busy that I've now caught myself, a few times, opting to not spend time with my kids so I can do something else.  often times these "something else" items are chores I've neglected cause I've been so busy.  so needless to say, I suck at setting priorities. 
I knew it was bad when my son asked me if he could help me with a chore, just so he can spend time with me.  Not knowing this, I shood him away so I can finish the chore faster.
Guilt crept in and I tried to me amends, but no such luck.  He was mad with me and had every reason to be.  It wasn't until then that I realized my family misses me.  I've been here but not here at the same time. I've been riding this wave for so long that going thru the motions was just something I did now.  without thinking, getting things done was my priority no matter the cost.
so here I am spending time with my kids after they get home from school and during the weekends.  and I mean really spending time with them such as getting down and dirty with playing games or pretend make up. 
I don't think I want to miss out anymore cause they're getting older each day and soon enough hanging with mom just won't be cool anymore.

One more round....

Today was a tough day.  We heard some news that we knew would come one day but wasn't expecting for it to be today.

3 years and a few weeks after my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 Prostate cancer we learned today that we really have no more options.   The weight of the world suddenly weighted my shoulders down again.  The look on my dad's face was painful to see. I've never seen him confused or scared before, until this day.

The doctor offered 2 options. Option A: another round of chemotherapy.  This means dad's immune system would yet again be suppressed to its all time low again.  He will need to endure weekly lab work and weekly chemotherapy. 3 weeks of chemo with 1 week rest between each cycle.  We would keep track of his temperature, blood pressure, weight and any ailments to the T.  Option B: Pallatative care and or hospice. 

Option B was an absolute no for him.  Being the man he is, full of determination, he would rather try his best to endure the pain of chemotherapy and all the side effects that come along with it.

Today was a turning point in my dad's life whether he understood that or not.  We have this last chance to keep the cancer at bay.  if this doesn't work it's a for sure hospice referral.

Reality hit me in the face with an upper cut and left me dazed with only one thing circling my brain. It's down hill from here. This is my dad's last battle.  I fear his body is weaker than his mind.  I surely hope the mind will prevail. 

He has put up one hell of a 3 year fight.  Let's see what he has in his pocket for a wild card.

My dad's courage, endurance and inner strength amaze me!  I can only hope to exhibit the same when I am his age. 

survival mode

it has been 3 years since my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 Prostate cancer.  It has been a long journey, yet a successful one under the circumstances.
we celebrate triumphs and we dust off and stand back up when life throws a crappy curve ball at us.  my dad has been the star of it all. his determination and strength has not once waivered.
with the family reunion behind us and fall creeping up on us, I can help but to sit here for a few minutes and think about how exhausted I am yet thankful. 
my sister in law put it best, I've been in survival mode for so long that I don't know what normal mode is anymore. my mind is always racing 100 mph.
I've quickly learned that keeping a log of dad's appointments and taking notes has been a life saver.  I can't seem to remember much these days.  I've been doing the same for my mom, kids and work now cause it's the only way I can keep anything straight anymore.  it's really quite scary.
because of this survival mode, every time I have a chance to relax and take the opportunity to do it i end up sick.  it's as if the survival mode is keeping me well otherwise I'd be sicker than a dog the better part of the year.
one thing I hate about survival mode is that I never have enough time for my family.  I'm too consumed in preparing for the next day or even next week.  I find myself brushing my kids off and I hate it when I think back on it. nothing feels worse than the look on my kids' face when I turn them down to do something with them.
time to rethink survival mode and figure out how to get my family folded back into my day to day...

Beacon

Today was a bit of an unsettling day.  It started off with an email to call my sister in law, which was sent at a little past 4 am.  I knew something was wrong but was about to shower, so opted to shower before I called.  Right before I stepped in the shower, I saw the news about the Brussels terrorist attack.  My gut tightened and my heart raced.  I knew the email had something to do with the attacks.
20 minutes later, my hunch was confirmed.  My sister in law, one of the strongest and compassionate people in the world, was wavering with worry and maybe panic.  Why? Because her husband was in a war zone and the next hours turned into unknowns, questions marks, what ifs, how do i's.  I felt her same worry and panic because he has been one of my rocks in life.
When he and I chatted, for about 5 minutes before he had to go, he said, I have a beacon at home.  She [my sister in law] will guide me home.  That statement was so damn powerful to me.  For a couple that has had their ups and downs, he still looked to her as home.  In that moment, it just proves what love can do regardless of the many ups and downs you have.  When it comes down to it, love brings you back, gives you meaning, gives you purpose and gives you the strength to live.
I saw a different guy in him.  I heard fear in his life and uncertainty, all of which I have never heard before.  It made him human, not just my brother that fixes things for me and makes things easier.  He in this moment was scared, he'll never admit, but he was scared. 

But through that, he has a beacon and because of that I know he'll survive and I will get to see him this weekend.

To all the beacons out there, don't stop shinning that light, its the symbol of hope.  Our world needs hope. 

Commit

I find it very tasteless and rather irresponsible when a person has voluntarily committed to do something then backs out.
I was raised not to volunteer for anything if there's the slightest chance I can't deliver.
I understand that circumstances arise where it's almost impossible to deliver on your commitment. In that case I have been raised to come up with Plan B. This way nothing gets thrown out of whack.
To volunteer for something then give a lame excuse why you can't deliver is down right tasteless and makes me think lose trust in you and your character.