Normal

"That's normal"
Those were the words that described my shut down.
....

The day started normal for a Saturday. Woke up normal. Worked out at the Y like normal. Ran errands at Costco like normal. Got lunch at Del Taco like normal.  Laundry was being done like normal. Kids were being normal.
...

The evening hit and it was normal no more. A little snide comment was all it took. At least it was my perception of it being a snide comment.  I decided to finally relax in the lazy boy and the remote was handed to me. I wasnt looking to change the channel and said something to that nature. And the comment came...lf wanting to watch basketball but had to do all these other little things and now watch the kids.
...
Resentment hit first. Then i was just pissed off. I busted my ass all day doing chores: laundry, cleaning the floors, cleaning the bath, picking up the kitchen, watching the kids while he stepped out for a couple hours. Not once today had i had the opportunity to kick up my feet open a brew and take a deep breath. 

So after a series of events in the evening that got my blood boiling and my son asked id i was happy and i responded no im pissed off. I resigned. I auto shut down. I decided im not taking any more. I dont want to talk about it. I dont want to argue about it. Im just done.

So yes not wanting to talk about it and hash it out is my new normal. I have no fight left cause i have no energy left. This is my new normal.

Standing Watch

Tonight I stand watch over my dad. He hasnt been feeling good for about 2 weeks now.  It has been a year and 3 months since he has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
I have accepted the fact that he will not be the spring chicken happy go lucky dad as he was 20 years ago. I know that it will get worse. I know time is limited. I know I have to cherish these days. I know my kids will remember him.
Knowing all those things doesnt make dealing with this any easier. I know and have accepted that caring for my parents has fallen to me. Its culturally the thing to do. Its what is expected of me. And I probably wouldnt want it any other way.
So here I stand watch over my dad so my mom can get a break. So she can socialize with her friends and have a break from this. I know it affects her. I just hope she will be okay when the time comes.
So here I stand watch because I love them with all of my heart.
I will continue to stand watch until i need to...

Finding me again

Me. I limit the "all about me" moments and seem to put a majority of my energy into everyone else, in doing so, I have realized I'm losing me.
I used to think of myself as happy go lucky, roll with the punches, lets just conquer the day type of a person. I used to sing in the shower, dance like a maniac in the car and sing and dance as I cook. All that gone.
Now I find myself strung so tight that I yell at my kids, dog and husband for the tiniest things. I, quite frankly, dont like it. I am deciding to find me again. I am making a promise to myself to do at least 1 thing a day for me that makes me happy.  This is huge, cause I have felt so disconnected for so long.

3rd attempt...2014

The year 2014...the end of the year as a matter of fact. Its 510am on a Wednesday morning. Im laying next to Hannah listening to her breathe.  As she sleeps so peacefully, I lay here with so much stuff running through my head.
So yes, this is my 3rd attempt at blogging. Okay, so why blogging...and why a 3rd time. The simple answer is this is to help myself from completely internalizing everything. I internalize until I cant anymore then I just blow. I get to a point where its just too much then I shut down. So here I am going to attempt, again, to express and share to an unknowing world the stuff that goes on in my head. Failures. Successes. Sadness. Happiness. Everything.
So heres to getting the stuff off my brain so I can just let them be...let it run its course. I at the age of 33 need to find my new happy place. My balance. I need to find my center because I find myself all too often getting lost in the day to day stuff. And all too often I find myself living and doing things for others and not necessarily myself. Its dawning on me that I need to start making me happy too cause if I dont make am attempt to do that now this beautiful life and all the blessings I have in it will be too much a day job and not the life I'd love to live. I want to love the life I live...even as stressful it is.
So heres to my 3rd attempt.